How to step up and have anything but a normal career
May 5, 2008 | By Rebecca ThormanYou know, I get that change is hard. But it’s also inevitable. The world in which today’s young “will make choices and compose lives is one of disruption rather than certainty,” argues this report.
Indeed, when I started my current job, there was much disruption. In the beginning, it was the challenge of transitioning from being an employee to running an organization. Of being lonely. Of complete work/life distortion.
And when I say challenge, I am being polite, because what I really mean is not all unlike the walk of shame after a particularly rowdy and untoward night of college drinking. That is, what exactly did I get myself in to?
Lately, it’s been an entirely different type of challenge - that of being in limbo because the responsibility and possibility of it all paralyzes me more than I’m willing to admit.
Because, really, given the opportunity to change the world, would you take it? We all think we would, but it is so very hard to look in the face of what you truly want and take it. It is so very hard to fight the war of what really matters.
So Generation Y isn’t always stepping up. And those that do, often think about stepping right back down. Because unless you’re in the fight to make change, it’s difficult to know how ridiculously hard it is. I thought that this might have just been me, that maybe I’m just not cut out for all this leadership change stuff. But I recently met with a thirty-one year old vice-president. She told me no, we’re all neurotic. Really. Neurotic was her word.
“This next year will probably be one of your hardest,” she said. “But you know and I know, once you’ve tasted this, you can’t turn back.”
I think about her words on the days that I don’t want to strategize, or build encampments, or be so obsessed with seeing a CEO or colleague or client on the street that I spend fifteen minutes trying to look vaguely presentable before going to Walgreens just to buy some toilet paper. Really. Some days, I just want to buy toilet paper in peace. Some days, I just want to be normal.
“Being normal,” Hercules replied, “gets you a middle-class life in the suburbs. It’s fifth place, and you know you want to be in first.” All successful people then are understandably eccentric. They take risks that normal people wouldn’t.
There’s this thing about risks though. It’s easy to sign up, but it’s the follow-through that’s hard, the follow-through that decides your character.
Like when I went skydiving two weeks ago (here and here). I wasn’t nervous. Honestly. They tell you to get nervous because if you’re not, you’ll freak out when the door opens at twelve thousand feet. So I was trying to be nervous, but I just wasn’t.
But in skydiving, eventually the plane does fly up to twelve thousand feet, and the door does open. When that happened, my tandem instructor put my hand out into the wind. “That’s not so bad, is it?” he asked. No, I nodded; it wasn’t so bad. I was a rockstar, invincible to anything and everything. I was a rockstar, that is, until we moved to the edge of the plane and I had to put one foot out into the air. It was then that I thought oh, holy crap, I can’t do this. What have I gotten myself into?
That’s the moment, see. Where you have to muster strength from somewhere you didn’t know you had. The moment where you face all your fears. It’s only a split-second in skydiving. Literally. A split-second where you decide if you’re going to smile or cry. Move forward or turn back. Jump or freak out.
When you’re pushing adulthood, however, it can last months. It’s easy to say you’re going to do something. It’s easy to be eager with words. Actions are much harder. That pesky day in and day out stuff.
Like putting down the potato chips and going to the gym. Or not taking things personally when it would be so easy to join the fray. Or putting down your guard, opening yourself up, and then – and this may be even more difficult – letting someone else in.
“It’s the hardest thing in the world, to do what we want,” this character says. “And it takes the greatest kind of courage. I mean, what we really want. Because it’s such a big responsibility – really to want something.”
Oh, and in case you were wondering… I jumped. With a smile on my face.
Thanks for the inspiration Rebecca. Your posts are always so emotional for me.
I love the sky diving analogy. It’s a lesson worth learning.
When forced to face one’s fears amazing things happen… the strength of single parent, the courage of a war hero, the resilience of a survivor. Why should it be much different when the choice is less urgent?
Benjamin Franklin said death and taxes are certain… so is change. We should embrace it!
Comment by Stephanie — May 5, 2008 #
Always great content from Rebecca. We all can’t be gen-y leaders or there would be no followers for support. At some point, whether you are managing a group or yourself, you will realize your place in the world and your opportunities to make a difference. I think everyone’s biggest challenge is discovering who they are and what they want to do with their life.
Many people do this too late and the lucky few position themselves early for career acceleration and dream attainment.
Comment by Dan Schawbel — May 5, 2008 #
I read the part about being nervous and jumping with a smile on your face. I even watched the video but I couldn’t tell if you enjoyed yourself.
The video and the music rocked!
Great work.
Comment by Mark W. — May 5, 2008 #
paragraphs 2, 4, 7, 10, and 13…all happening right now. I thought this would be easier than what it’s been. I keep hoping it’ll get easier, but do I really want that. When it becomes ‘normal’ or ‘mundane’ we both know that that’s when it becomes boring and unexciting.
Challenges, as tough as they are, are what makes it all exciting. right?
congrats on jumping. I took my jump, but call it ‘moving to ca’.
Miss ya!
Comment by Karen Hartline — May 5, 2008 #
@ Stephanie - That’s funny because they’re always emotional for me too! : ) Also, the examples you give are a great point. Being a single mom takes that day in and day out stuff. Change doesn’t happen right away, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try, just like you say. Thanks for the comment!
@ Dan - The more I move forward, the more I honestly think that everyone has the opportunity to be a leader and make a difference. But I think you’re right; leadership comes in different forms.
@Mark W. - I definitely enjoyed myself, I was a bit nervous to be on film though. ; ). It was truly amazing and felt like flying, not falling. I’m planning on doing it again this summer and recommend it to everyone.
@ Karen - It makes it exciting if we allow ourselves to accept them as challenges and not try to push for them to be something else. And that’s a challenge in and of itself! Sigh. It is all totally worth it though… ; ) I’m so impressed by your jump too, but you know that : )
Comment by Rebecca Thorman — May 5, 2008 #
I know exactly what you’re talking about! My little IT consultancy is getting to a point where I might be able to take it full-time, which was the whole point in starting my own business. As it becomes a more immediate possibility, I start to freak out and want to back down. But it’s just like you said, once you’ve gotten this far, there is no going back. I’ve already seen the light. It’s like getting to base camp at Mt. Everest. You’re gonna back down now? I don’t think so.
So, yes, I’m pushing through, oh so uncomfortably at times, because like you and so many of our generation, I don’t want to end up middle-class, middle-life, middle of the road, middle-minded.
The difference between us and the people who say they want it? We’re doing it. Every other day people around me ask how I do it, and I tell them, you just do it. You can do it, too; you just start and you keep putting one foot in front of the other. Pretty soon you look up, and you’re one-year sober, have a condo on the beach, are kicking some career ass, and have your own successful business. But you have to start and just keep doing.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other, Rebecca, and keep reminding us that’s how it’s done.
Comment by Holly Hoffman — May 5, 2008 #
Well said.
Comment by Linda — May 5, 2008 #
Thanks for making this so clear, Rebecca, I think you summarize very well the fears that can make change difficult. For many of us, I don’t necessarily think it’s the fear of failure that holds us back, but the fear of success. Failure in making a huge change, or in taking that leadership role, basically means you can go back to your “regular” life.
Success, however, means that things will never be the same.
Comment by Adam — May 5, 2008 #
“Being normal,” Hercules replied, “gets you a middle-class life in the suburbs. It’s fifth place, and you know you want to be in first.” All successful people then are understandably eccentric. They take risks that normal people wouldn’t.
I’m mildly insulted by Hercules’ premise. In fact, I want to be middle class, live in the suburbs, have a successful marriage, successful career, and not lose my mind doing it. To me, that is still “first place” if we’re labeling.
Hercules’ statement suggests an objective version of success in one’s life, career, or leadership style.
I think success is whatever you define it as. I end up quoting a good friend all the time, he is following a path to becoming a Catholic priest, and I’m certain he is going to change many lives. He said, “How narrowly you define your success is how widely you define your failure.” The definition of success is ever-changing and we should allow that kind of flexibility. Stepping up and stepping down is part of the process, it’s not settling.
Furthermore, I think any fool can drive themselves to eccentricity, if they work hard enough and sacrifice enough. Far from being successful, in my eyes, this is a familiar model that I think is precisely why people want “normalcy” and balance. And if that is a middle class existence in the suburbs, it’s not a bad thing.
Comment by Milena — May 5, 2008 #
@Milena
Well said! I’ve written on the same thing in that past, that success is a personal definition, not a global one.
For me, I also am working towards balance. I’d like a job I enjoy, but that doesn’t define me I’d like enough time to enjoy the fruits of my labour, and spend time with my family and friends.
To me, that is success, not necessarily being CEO of a Fortune 500 company. To be honest, at this point in my life, I’m not sure if I’d want to make the sacrifices necessary to do that.
Comment by Adam — May 5, 2008 #
@ Holly - you should just repost that comment on your blog - great inspiration, and I’m walking right next to you on it. Thank you for sharing!
@ Linda - thanks!
@ Adam - Absolutely. I think it’s a little bit of both, but once you get over the fear of failure, the fear of success can be even more delibitating. And exhilirating too, of course : ) Thanks for the comment!
@ Milena - I knew Hercules would rub someone the wrong way, but I’m glad it was you since you always have such intelligent things to say.
Of course success can be defined in different ways. For me, Hercules knows that I’m a downtown girl, that I dislike the suburbs and that while it sounds appealing, it’s not where I’m at right now. So that’s the example he used.
But I’m also talking about moving one step forward past what you’re talking about. The success in that way is not better or worse, but it is different and takes a different approach. In the success I’m talking about you do have to risk and make sacrifices as Adam mentions below you. Different risk and sacrifice, but difficult.
And we need those people. We need leaders. I do think, however, that Gen Y will redefine what leadership means. But I’ve talked about that quite enough… ; ) Also see below comment.
@ Adam (again : ) - I think that regardless of how you define success, you still have to work really hard to get what you want. To be honest with yourself about what you want, and to really do it to the best of your ability is beyond difficult. Whether you’re a CEO or not…
Comment by Rebecca Thorman — May 5, 2008 #
Hey Rebecca
You’d think that at some point you reach a critical mass in terms of risk/balance/confidence/success, but I think those things are a fundamental part of the process rather than a destination.
Life will always have something up its sleeve that will make you question yourself, make you want to step back down and be ‘normal’. There will always be times where you have to “muster strength from somewhere you didn’t know you had”.
I think that’s the difference in a truly confident life - being able to continue to play a game that’s important to you and knowing that the real success comes from playing well, not simply from the winning.
We all have our own stuff, we’re all works in progress; and that’s what makes us all so wonderfully and frustratingly nuts sometimes. The responsibility of being 100% you is perhaps the hardest and most paralyzing of all, and it’s about knowing all the different parts of you, even the stuff about yourself you don’t like very much (which is equally valid as the parts you do like).
Following what you want is scary and exciting - but it’s made simpler if you trust yourself enough to jump and trust that you can deal with whatever happens next. It’s okay to be shaking in your boots before you make that leap.
Comment by Steve Errey — May 5, 2008 #
Wow. Thank you. A million thank you’s for this post. Could not have come at a better time for me.
Comment by Jamie — May 5, 2008 #
I think that regardless of how you define success, you still have to work really hard to get what you want. To be honest with yourself about what you want, and to really do it to the best of your ability is beyond difficult. Whether you’re a CEO or not…
Rebecca - you say it better than Hercules anyways…precisely why I kept checking your blog daily for a whole month for you to write something. I appreciate your insights, they challenge me and help me develop my own thought process about things.
Comment by Milena — May 5, 2008 #
Writer’s block? I don’t believe it. Way to come back strong Rebecca.
Comment by Nicole — May 5, 2008 #
This post is so inspirational to me! I really needed that statement “Being normal gets you a middle-class life in the suburbs. It’s fifth place, and you know you want to be in first.” It gave me a new little ball of anxiety in my stomach to help push me to be a little bit better. (trust me, its a good thing)
If given a chance to change the world, would I take it? I certainly hope so, and I’ll add this post to my leadership “toolkit” that will help me when my chance comes
Comment by Monica — May 6, 2008 #
I was on the phone with my other 20-something friend last night crying like a baby because i feel so much pressure to achieve before I hit 30. I don’t want to be at my peqak by any means, but this whol 8-5 grind working in a place I’d rather not be is for the birds and I am ready to stop planning, paying my debt and being responsible.
I hope to be able to take a leap someday soon.
Thank you for such great words!
Comment by Ms. Smiley — May 6, 2008 #
What I find is that it comes down to doing whatever we can to make a difference in the things we do…to dare to live up to our own expectations, or at least giving every effort to, and to exceed those expectations of those around you. Combine that with passion for what you do, and suddenly you find it is less about normal every day — and possibly less about a career every day as well.
Thanks for the vicarious journey through the sky. I’m not sure which was more exciting and enjoyable, the thought and thrill of such an undertaking, or simply watching you go through it. Sometimes even being on the sidelines has its rewards
cheers
PS… why settle for normal anyway!
Comment by Brian — May 9, 2008 #
Hey! I didn’t realize you had this blog- I’m definitely going to add it to my feed reader. It’s awesome to read about what you’re up to these days- I always thought you’d succeed at whatever you chose, but I’m really glad to see you are!
~Beth from UHS
Comment by Beth — May 10, 2008 #
Rebecca, leadership and personal responsibility are values –your values. In fact, I’m going to venture a guess that they’re so intrinsic to you that turning them off for long would drive you stark raving bonkers.
Good luck trying to be normal…
Comment by Lisa Gates — May 12, 2008 #
[…] really like alpha males – Hercules is the latest and perhaps greatest example in my line-up. Johannes is another. But these male […]
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@ Steve - Defintiely. I agree that it’s the journey of learning about yourself and figuring things out - nothing ever just appears perfectly for you. Thank you for your insightful commen!
@ Jamie - Thank you - hope you’re well : )
@ Milena - Yeah, I don’t always agree with Hercules either, but he makes me think! Thanks for the kind comment.
@ Nicole - I appreciate your encouragement and prodding! ; )
@ Monica - I know what you mean about that positive anxiety. Hope it serves you well!
@ Ms. Smiley - Uh, yeah. This post was partly inspired my an hour-long crying session to my mom - I’m with you, babe!
@ Brian - Great words. Oh, and you should definitely do the skydiving thing yourself - it’s way cooler than the video : )
@ Beth - Great to hear from you and thanks for the kind words. Looking forward to catching up.
@ Lisa - Ah, but I don’t feel that they are my values all the time. So stressful! But yes, I won’t try to be normal any time soon!
Comment by Rebecca Thorman — May 13, 2008 #
[…] really like alpha males – Hercules is the latest and perhaps greatest example in my line-up. Johannes is another. But these male […]
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Wonderful post! Taking risks is what life is all about. I like the parallel between normalcy and life in the suburbs. You really nailed it.
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